Woke up this morning and this waffle fell outta me. In a manner of speaking. Enjoy.
“Heya”, she said sweetly.
“I’ve a mind to ask you the same thing!” I blustered.
She frowned. She did a fine line in frowns. This one was of the quizzical variety, with one eyebrow arched in challenge, as if to say, ‘This better be good, or I’m going to kick the shite outta you.’
“Sorry darlin’, my head’s a bit wrecked. Completely melted, to tell the truth. The last few days…haven’t been the Mae West exactly.”
She snorted yet rubbed my arm supportively. I always wondered how she so naturally managed to convey messages as mixed as this – at once dismissive, but sympathetic. It drove me crackers, but it also kept me captivated.
I sighed. “Between the weight of work and everything else, I can feel all the doubt and worry and fear flooding back… I remember when you made me feel so relaxed and at ease, so calm and carefree. Like nothing else mattered but us, together and safe in eachother… I can’t tell you how sad I am that those days seem to be behind us. There’s this resentment, simmering away inside me, and unless I do something it’s gonna boil me, and you, and everything else away until there’s nothing left… I don’t expect you to understand – fuck it, I don’t even understand myself – I just can’t keep it all squashed inside me. It’s eating me up.”
She looked down and nodded thoughtfully, deep in contemplation of what I had laid out. I always hated these moments – I loved how she looked when she was being pensive, but the suspense while waiting for her to come to any sort of conclusion was absolutely torturous.
“I haven’t made it easy for you, I know that,” she conceded. “This…whole mess isn’t exactly what I had in mind when…when we started out. It probably wasn’t fair on you, I should’ve known it wouldn’t be easy for you to deal with. I can be selfish that way. Maybe I wear you out, stress you out, more than I mean to… Maybe I’m too honest.”
At this I couldn’t help but grin – all I had ever asked of her was honesty, and now she was criticising herself for complying with my wishes! This self-sacrificial trait of hers was simultaneously endearing but irritating. There was also a tendency to be too hard on herself for certain things, and not hard enough for others. Mind you, that’s probably the same for all of us, I guess.
“Just…hang in there, ok? How I feel about you, that hasn’t changed. Whatever happens, happens. Try not to get worked up about it.”
“I used those exact words to reassure you, not so long ago,” I noted drily.
“Shut up, I’m trying to get you to chillax here!” she laughed. Her eyes sparkled when she laughed, it was impossibly attractive. Like so many other of her mannerisms, it must be said.
Our eyes met, and something unspoken passed between us. Something profound, but not elaborate. Something important. Something vital. Something it was imperative that we both understand.
Something I, quite frankly, could not make head nor tail of.
“So…what do we do now?” I wondered aloud.
“Wait it out. Hopefully things’ll naturally change and we’ll get back to normal.”
“And if we don’t?”
She did not answer for the longest time.
Solidarity brothers & sisters…♥