Why has it happened again? I’d been doing so well, had seemed on top of everything, in control, enjoying myself and displaying a cheeriness hitherto unseen. Many who’d crossed my path had noted my improved demeanour, some remarking on what good form I was in and how nice it was to see me finally happy; “About time ya got a bit of luck!”
How easily it all comes crashing down.
I’ve lost the buzz.
What can I do? I over-analyse, but can’t find a single rational reason for my malaise. I’d had a good day; early rise, beautiful clear morning to wake up to, pop down the shops for some donuts and the papers, had a cuppa and did the crossword, hopped on the Tube into town in the afternoon, enjoyed the Sun in Hyde Park, bumped into a few friends on Oxford Street…and yet here I am, in the Tollington, moping into a pint of Carling. What the fuck?
Sod it. I’ll be back! Urgh, what a cliché… What the hell am I even thinking? This is total gibberish. God, I miss Rosa. Bet she doesn’t miss me in the slightest. Doesn’t even give me a second thought. I want to text her, call her, give out to her, tell her I love her, rant at her, tell her I forgive her, tell her I never want to see her, tell her I’m sorry for whatever it is I did or however it is I behaved… Christ, I don’t even fucking know what I want.
I know I want her. Totally, uncontrollably, incessantly, insatiably. Beyond that… Fuck knows. What a total moron I am. Cretin without equal. Some think I’m smart! Can you believe that? What a truly excellent actor I must be. Don’t give myself enough credit in that regard, I tell ya… Seriously, why would anyone, in their right mind, think that I’m smart? I’ve bollocksed up my life to such a frankly ludicrous degree that it seems inconceivable that any would admire me – and yet some do! The fools. Dunno who I pity more – them or me.
Right, best be off. That microwaveable Lasagne in the fridge ain’t gonna heat itself.
Solidarity, brothers & sisters…♥