Dear Mr & Mrs Hughton,
As you have no doubt learned by now, your son Cathal has decided to seek pastures new. Beech Park Under-11’s regret this turn of events, particularly as it means that we shall now have to find a replacement bench-warmer. Nonetheless, we wish Cathal all the luck in the world in fulfilling his ambition of actually getting through a full game – he is, no offence intended, going to need all the help he can get.
Your son left over a difference in tactical outlooks; he felt that our football was more enjoyable when he played…and I disagreed. Compromise is the key to teamwork, however my mature and magnanimous gesture of substituting him in for the last 2 minutes of matches was apparently insufficient for your entitled sprog. Suffice it to say, Beech Park feels that has been a certain lack of gratitude from the little shit.
In an entirely unrelated incident, it appears that Cathal – demonstrating his all round lack of clever footwork – tripped over a fellow footballer’s boot and stumbled through a second floor window. Fortunately, the window was open at the time, so there will be no need to bill you for any damage, but your whining spawn has been lying in my garden for several hours now and complaining of various broken bones. Clearly, Cathal’s overactive imagination and penchant for exaggeration knows no bounds.
Please collect the runt of all litters at the soonest opportunity.
Yours in no way, shape or form,
P.S. He’s gone silent now, which is some relief. I don’t know how you stand him.
Solidarity, brothers & sisters…⚽