10 Things to do in an Emergency…

…as devised by a sufferer of Generalised Anxiety Disorder.

1.Panic: Begin internally, by chewing the inside of your mouth. The sustenance will give you the energy required to proceed through the ensuing steps.

2.Curl up into a ball: This is nature’s safety mechanism. You present a smaller target when you become a huddled mass yearning to breathe free.

3.Whimper: Moan, cry, shriek, howl, scream, groan… All are good options. What you want to do here is really externalise your fear.

4.Build a hovel: Once created, this will be perfect to burrow into and hide from the terrifying outside world. Sheets, clothes, towels, carpets… Insulation.

5.Curse Higher Powers: Be creative with your damnations. Desperately blaming your impotence on the actions of Gods unseen is absolutely vital for survival.

6.Craft Weaponry: The combination of a lighter with a can of deodorant results in a handy improvised flamethrower. This will scare/amuse predators and help cook what little food you have.

7.Read: You’re going to be in your hovel a while. Bring a good book, or at least some scraps of newspaper clippings.

8.Hunt: Bait can be arranged out of all sorts of bodily excretions. Snot, nails, skin flakes…even dandruff in a pinch. You probably won’t catch anything (apart from scabies) but it’ll give you something to do and keep morale up.

9.Curse Deities Again: This time for the failure of your shit bait.

10.Expire: You can pass away safe in the knowledge that you did everything you could.


Tbh, this is all that’ll go through your head in an actual emergency

Solidarity, brothers & sisters…


About Seba Roux

Gooner, Socialist, Historian, Slacker. That's pretty much all you need to know.
This entry was posted in Autobiographical, Gibberish and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to 10 Things to do in an Emergency…

  1. inkbiotic says:

    A handy to do list for next time the mind caves in, thanks for this. Good to know I’m already doing so much right, but now I can add hunting and weaponry to the survival manual.

    • Seba Roux says:

      Ha, always glad to be of service to a fellow traveller (or should that be, ‘sufferer’?). ❤ & Solidarity to you x

      • inkbiotic says:

        Well, much appreciated. But let’s go with ‘traveller’, (although that includes tripping up, getting lost and general haphazard chaos).

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